5 Signs of a Good Relationship

by Hannah Anderson

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“I know God created us to be in relationship, to love and be loved. But how can I know what a good relationship even looks like?”

My friend was asking an honest question. For those of us who grew up surrounded by interpersonal dysfunction and relationships with conflict, control, or neglect, it’s hard to imagine anything else.  And being unable to envision healthy relationships means we’ll have a hard time investing in them. What my friend was asking was this: how could she develop spiritual discernment?

Many of us don’t think about discernment until we’re facing a major life decision-- who to marry or which job to take—but practicing discernment should be a way of life for Christians. Each day, we face hundreds of small decisions that set the trajectory of our lives. Because of this, we must learn how to choose things that are good and life-giving over things that are dysfunctional and unhealthy, including in our relationships.


What Goodness Looks Like

Broadly speaking, discernment is knowing the difference between what’s good and what’s bad. We use the language of discernment when we talk about an appraiser having a discerning eye for art or a chef having a discerning palette. More than simply avoiding bad things, being a discerning person means having an eye for goodness and excellence.  In Philippians 1:9-10, the Apostle Paul offers a similar understanding of spiritual discernment when he prays that believers would grow in our love and “abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that [we] may be able to discern what is best.” 

Later in Philippians, Paul picks up this theme, offering a set of principles to help believers grow in their capacity to recognize goodness.  “Finally, brothers and sisters,“ he writes in chapter 4, verse 8,

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

But by using the language of “whatever” and “if anything,” Paul indicates that these virtues transcend categories and can be applied to every area of our lives, including our relationships. Whether it’s our relationships with friends, work associates, or other church members, these virtues will help us know which are good and worth cultivating.


Discerning Relationships

First, good relationships will be based on truth and those in them will find themselves able to be increasingly honest with each other. Obviously, different kinds of relationships have different levels of intimacy--we will not share everything about ourselves with everyone--but a good relationship has a quality of transparency about it. A good relationship won’t require you become someone you are not or lie to remain in it.  

Second, good relationships will honor individuals as image bearers of God and celebrate their unique gifts. For any relationship to be successful, it must be based in mutual respect and a commitment to our shared humanity. Without this foundation, we’ll quickly begin to use shame and guilt to control each other, diminishing both our personal agency and our ability to be safe with one another.

Third, good relationships will be just, not taking advantage of either party. Perhaps you’ve heard the old adage that some of us are “givers” and some of us are “takers.” This is never more evident than in unhealthy relationships where one party consumes the work, energy, and attention of the other. A just relationship is one in which both parties are able to give and take, willingly caring for each other out of love rather than coercion or manipulation.  
Fourth, good relationships will be pure, loving the other person holistically and without hidden agenda.
When we talk about pure relationships, we often mean relationships that are sexually pure. And while this is one application of purity, purity itself begins in the heart. Like pure water or pure gold, pure relationships are not contaminated mixed motives or falseness; neither party is using the other—whether emotionally, sexually, or financially—for selfish ends.  

Fifth, good relationships will be beautiful and worth sacrificing for. When Paul uses the word “lovely” in Philippians 4:8, he’s describing something that draws us outside of ourselves because it’s so beautiful or desirable. Like the pearl of great price, a beautiful relationship calls you to sacrifice lesser things for the beauty of communion. It’s the kind of relationship that calls you away from the self-centered, petty, or tawdry toward the growth that can only come from self-less love.

And finally, good relationships will be admirable or commendable. There will be something in them that others recognize as valuable as well. As C.S. Lewis writes, friendship is born “when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste.”  And when two people discover that they are both pursuing goodness, they will find themselves increasingly drawn to one another, bound by something larger than their own interests or personalities.  

As you grow in your understanding of what good relationships look like, you’ll naturally begin to recognize those that are problematic. You may not be able to leave them behind entirely, but discernment will help you decide which relationships to invest in and which need better boundaries.  And ultimately, discernment will help you identify those relationships that are lifegiving, enabling you to celebrate and partake of their goodness.

Hannah Anderson   

Hannah Anderson is an author and speaker who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of southwest Virginia. Her books include Made for More, Humble Roots, and the recently released All That’s Good: Recovering the Lost Art of Discernment. You can read more of her writing at sometimesalight.com and connect with her on Facebook , Twitter, or Instagram.