Fighting Loneliness in a Church Full of People

by Rachael Kincaid

Sophia is the Greek word for Wisdom, and Propel Sophia seeks out the voices of truly wise women and asks them to share worked examples of how they express faith in daily life. Pull up a chair at Sophia’s table, won’t you? There’s plenty of space. Learn more here.

Sitting in the bathtub, I pondered my options. I’d hit rock bottom, and nobody knew. Ironically, I’d been a pastor’s wife for years at this point. I knew how to “do life” with people. I attended service every Sunday. I served in the nursery. I showed up to small group each week. But somehow there in the tub, I felt utterly alone. And yet, I wasn’t surprised. I had done it to myself.

Over the years, I’d manufactured the life I wanted everyone else to see. I edited each piece, from time to conversations to social media. Community was a concept I’d created and curated to fit into my life with Jesus. I’d fabricated a sense of vulnerability that made me feel like I was doing the Christian life justice, without ever truly exposing myself.

So it was no surprise that I felt alone in a life full of people. The thought of peeling back the layers exhausted me. How would I catch my friends up on my struggles? How would I confess the sin and the hurt, the years of dysfunctional theology, and the performance-based living? My pride had cost me, and I needed help. My friend Jess says repentance is the fastest way to refreshment, and I was ready to be refreshed. Jesus didn’t die so I could live a lonely, prideful life. It was time to repent.

My husband helped me make some changes. First, we cleared my schedule. I removed everything that wasn’t essential to healing and rebuilding. For several months, only work and church and self-care made it onto the calendar. Second, we committed to small group and counseling, neither of which felt easy. The easy thing would have been to politely bow out. We had full schedules, new babies, and a strapped budget. Nobody would have blamed us.

But I didn’t do the easy thing. I did the Biblical thing. I chose to repent, to follow Jesus in community, and to let people in during times of joy and pain. My friend was right. Refreshment came like a flood. I saw what God’s family looks like in action when it operates authentically. Since then, my husband and I have served at different churches in our area. During each new season and each transition, I’ve chosen to fight.

When I’m tempted to withdraw and isolate, I intentionally connect. When I feel the desire to make myself seem tidier or more put-together than I am, I find a way to get vulnerable with a woman I trust. When I catch myself listening to the lie that I’m better off on my own, or too introverted to connect with others, or that community is for a season down the road when the kids are grown, I speak truth over it.

I’ve been loved and rescued by God who has always been in communion in Himself:  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. If this triune God created me in his image, then He made me for community, too. I miss out if I try to do this alone. The Church misses out if I try to do this alone. Lost souls miss out if I try to do this alone. And so I don’t try to do it alone. Instead, I choose vulnerability, and friendship, and God’s people in community.

Whenever I read a story like this, I always want to ask for practical tips. Right, we get it. Life was hard and you’re in community now. Great. But what does it look everyday? It’s actually quite simple. Boring, almost.

I’m firmly and fiercely and forever committed to the local Church. I love conferences. I read books. I’ve been doing ministry on the internet since before social media came to existence. But there is no substitute for the Body of Christ in the flesh. This is where my soul finds rest in the safekeeping of other people. I spent years without a home church in my young adult life, and I’ll never do it again. I love worshipping corporately on Sunday mornings. I feel alive when I’m serving high school students and young adults. I look forward to small group nights.

I can testify that this life is better. I’ve tasted and seen that God’s vision for His family is truly better. Being social is not the same as being known. I’ve never felt so deeply loved, joyfully served, and unconditionally accepted as I do when I live in honest community with other Jesus-followers. I’ve hit rock bottom a few times since that dark day years ago, but I’m no longer alone. My people aren’t surprised by my sin or pain or even my joy. They’ve been carrying it with me all along. And you know what? Even my prayer life feels richer, my communion with the Spirit more electric. I catch glimpses of God’s love for me in my everyday life. My relationship with Jesus is stronger because my relationships with people are more real. That’s the God-honest truth.

Rachael Kincaid

Rachael Kincaid is a communicator of grace, freedom, and hard work. She uses social media, online writing, podcast interviews, and speaking engagements to point people to Jesus and encourage them to be more tenacious about the lives Jesus died to give them. Rach is married to Chris, a worship pastor, and they’re raising six kids on a small hobby farm in Fort Mill, SC.