GOD, ARE WE THERE YET?
when healing comes slowly
by Anna Morgan
Sophia is the Greek word for Wisdom, and Propel Sophia seeks out the voices of truly wise women and asks them to share worked examples of how they express faith in daily life. Pull up a chair at Sophia’s table, won’t you? There’s plenty of space. Learn more here.
Did you think you would be further along by now? Me too. Most of us struggle, feeling like we should be over that past hurt by now, further along in making our best life. I remember a season I felt so frustrated at how slow I was going. I was about three years into processing the death of my husband.
We’d had two amazing years of pastoral ministry together before he suddenly died in a car accident that left me alone at 24 and dealing with the trauma of walking away from the wreckage that killed him. I had no backup plan, so I just kept going, doing church work.
In the meantime, I was a mess. I was processing my faith and love for a God who would allow me to endure such a loss. I struggled for normal emotional responses, feeling awkward most of the time as I shifted between numbness and breakdowns. Healing inside felt stupidly slow, and I found myself doing stupid things to self-medicate.
It had been two years since I’d finished all the necessary practical arrangements--boxing up his office, making thoughtful gifts of his personal items. I was a pastor and a leader. I thought I was supposed to have it together and be a good example, so I hid most of what I was experiencing. I felt incredibly shamed by people’s fawning wonder over how well I was processing his death. I was so frustrated with myself; I just couldn’t get past this thing. I wanted healing to have a discernible, planned timeline. I would do well for a little while and then find myself vulnerable, feeling weak. I scolded myself: Why is this taking so long? Get it together!
The journey God had me on took much longer, however. At first, I stayed busy to avoid thinking and feeling. The the more I filled my schedule with church work, the easier it was to cope. I needed that for a while. But God was gently peeling things back in my heart. As the years went by, slowly he mended my brokenness and healed what hurt.
Pilgrimage
Psalm 84:5-7 talks about pilgrimage. A pilgrimage is a journey, a trip to visit a sacred location. The pilgrim’s Psalm became a metaphor for my life. This trip is as much about the journey itself as the destination.
On this path, the Psalmist declares, even though we walk through valleys of weeping, we gain strength and joy from the Lord. He turns those valleys into places of refreshing springs and blessing. On this journey, pilgrims go “from strength to strength, till each appears before God” (84:7). This is a promise we can rely on. As I read Job 23:8-12, I found strength and determination. Even though what God was doing made no sense to him, Job declared his trust in God’s goodness. “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” No matter how long or difficult this journey, what God was forming in me through my suffering was incredibly valuable.
God’s Eternal Perspective
We experience our lives in a series of incredibly short moments—the present—but God sees us from eternity, shaping the whole of our lives with one extended brushstroke. I realised God is far less interested in what I am doing than in who I am being. While I was lost in the immediate pain of my moments, God was focused on how every moment connects together and shapes the next. The Apostle Paul explained that we are being transformed into God’s image, with ever-increasing glory (2 Corinthians 2:18). The process may not have felt glorious, but God promises hope to us on those long journeys. My impatience was never an obstacle to his patient purposes being accomplished.
When I was a kid, we took two-week road trips for family vacations. My parents heard the questions, “Are we there yet? How much longer?” more times than can be counted. I can’t imagine how patient God must be to hear that question repeated billions of times. No wonder he doesn’t always answer.
Grace for the Journey
The truth is that we are endlessly being shaped, and so we can have grace for ourselves on this journey. No, we aren’t there yet. Yes, it’s going to be a while longer. But it’s okay. God has strength for you right now, and you can find joy in trusting that the destination is well worth the journey. Give yourself some grace. You are not alone on this pilgrimage.
“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though [she] may stumble, [she] will not fall, for the LORD upholds [her] with his hand” (Psalm 37:7; 23-24 NIV).
Anna Morgan
Anna Morgan is a pastor at City Church Chicago, and has been in church ministry for 19 years. Anna holds an M.A. in Global Leadership from Fuller Theological Seminary. She is married to John Morgan, and they live with their daughter in downtown Chicago. Anna blogs for women in ministry at annarmorgan.com. Connect with her on Instagram!
