How to be Grateful and Guilt Free

By Bronwyn Lea

Sophia is the Greek word for Wisdom, and Propel Sophia seeks out the voices of truly wise women and asks them to share worked examples of how they express faith in daily life. Pull up a chair at Sophia’s table, won’t you? There’s plenty of space. Learn more here.

“I just feel so guilty,” my friend shared, and all I could do was nod in agreement. Both of us have a long track record of wanting to be the helper–willing to make an extra meal, pick up the slack, watch someone’s kids, stay up late to finish a project—but both of us have a hard time receiving that kind of sacrificial help from others. What’s worse is that the need for help has only increased with time, even though our time-management strategies have gotten that much better. The more complex my life becomes over the years, the more I need a village. And my village needs me. My brain totally understands the value of living in give-and-take relationships with mutual care and generosity. So why, then, does guilt always seem to buy a companion fare ticket when I say yes to receiving someone else’s sacrificial love?

As I write this, I’m sitting on an airplane, while at home my husband has juggled meetings to get the kids to school solo, and a small army of church friends will pick up our kids the days I’m gone. There is so much life and ministry which just wouldn’t be possible without a community of people we could share the load with, just as Galatians 6 encourages us to do. But why the guilt? Why the constant, nagging, pervasive feeling bad about it?

For sure, there is a pride check that needs to happen: believing that it is solely my responsibility to take care of certain things is a different way of believing “I’ve got the whole world in my hands,”, and of course that isn’t true: Sunday School taught me so. I absolutely believe God has allowed illness or incapacity at times, with the loving goal of reminding me that the world will continue spinning whether I’m involved or not. Perhaps seasons where my calendar maxes out my capacity call for the same kind of humbling. I can’t—and shouldn’t—think I can do it all. From my pride, good Lord deliver me. Help me to receive gifts and mercy with grace.

But God invites me to consider something else, too - the perspective and intentions of the gift giver. . Those who offer sacrificial gifts do so because they love us and want to bless us, not because they want us to feel guilty that we didn’t provide these things for ourselves. Jesus gave Himself, and the right response is one of gratitude, not guilt. In the face of our sin, Jesus sacrificially offered His life. Our response should be, “Thank you”, and “I love you”, not “I feel so bad that You had to go through all of that for me.”

Guilt is a terrible motivator. God does not shame or guilt me into loving Him or partnering in His work in the world. He motivates by generosity, and by encouragement.He enables us by grace and His Spirit, not by guilt-tripping us into response. “The love of Christ compels us,” writes Paul in 2 Corinthians 5:14. It is his grace—not a guilt trip—that teaches us to renounce sin and say YES to godliness (Titus  2:11-14) Or, as I sang in my childhood choruses, I am to “give thanks, with a grateful heart”. Not a guilty one.

“Send your husband a text,” my friend counseled me, “and just say thank you. His sacrifice is one of love, so you can do the things God is calling you to do. It’s not meant to make you feel bad. It’s meant to show you love, and free you.”

She’s absolutely right. So, this Thanksgiving there will be no sides of guilt at the banquet table. I will give thanks with a grateful heart, without being sorry or sad or feeling bad about the fact that I’ve needed help and mercy. It is true, I need all those things, and in love, they are provided.

Thank you: The end.

Bronwyn Lea

Bronwyn Lea is an author, speaker, activist, and most recently, editorial curator for Propel Sophia. She loves Jesus, puns, her home country of South Africa, her adopted country of the US, her endlessly patient husband, her three goofy kids, wisdom and justice, seeing women thrive in the Kingdom, and quality ice-cream (in no particular order). Find her online on the web, and follow on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.