How to Mix Marriage and Busy Careers
by Dorcas Cheng-Tozun
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In our mid-twenties, my husband Ned and I were newly married and madly in love.
Looking at us, though, you wouldn’t have known it. Between my long hours at a nonprofit and his even longer hours juggling business school and a startup, Ned and I rarely saw each other.
We averaged about one dinner together a week. Otherwise, we did little more than share a bed and occasionally bump into one another at home. We were both far more dedicated to our careers than one another.
We fell into the trap that many young professionals do, placing work at the center of our lives. Americans, on average, work 47 hours a week, far more than almost any other country. (Note that this is the average, which means many are working more than 47 hours a week.) Individuals in their twenties and thirties feel particular pressure to pay their dues through long hours and frequent travels.
Ned and I had both fixated on God’s professional callings in our lives. They were good, God-honoring callings—but they weren’t, as we presumed, what mattered most. Along the way, we disregarded community. We didn’t take care of our bodies or our spirits. And we neglected our marriage.
As Christians, it’s surprisingly easy to justify a career-centered existence. Especially when we’re young, we can think of our jobs as our primary calling from God, and assume everything else is a distant second. But there can be a real cost—to our health and our relationships—when we give all our best hours to work.
In the US, divorce rates are the highest among couples in their twenties. Mismatched expectations and an over-romanticization of marriage can harm a young relationship, but so can our culture of overwork and busyness.
Like many of my generation, I thought my twenties and thirties were about me and my career. Despite the exhortation in Scripture to “rejoice in the [spouse] of your youth,” I assumed that my husband could wait around until I was ready to pay attention to him (Proverbs 5:18, NRSV). It took a couple of severe burnouts and years of tear-filled conversations for us to realize that our marriage wasn’t something we could temporarily shelve.
In my research on entrepreneurs and their spouses—entrepreneurs being some of the hardest-working people I know—I’ve found that a relationship always takes a hit when it’s not prioritized. Marriages require ongoing care, and neglecting your spouse, even for a short season, will have a negative impact.
Fortunately, small changes in behavior can make a huge difference in a relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together. You don’t have to sacrifice your career to maintain a strong marriage, but you do need to invest in the relationship consistently and intentionally.
Leading marriage researcher John Gottman posits that couples need a “magic six hours” a week to stay connected. That’s less than an hour a day, broken down into small chunks of quality time with your spouse. Checking in with your partner in the morning about the day’s schedule; greeting them when you reunite in the evening; having a weekly date night: these are all meaningful—and completely manageable—ways to show your spouse that you care.
Even when you take a few moments to express physical affection or words of affirmation, or to look your spouse in the eye and listen empathetically, your actions are communicating deep love.
Of course, it’s easy to avoid setting aside time for our spouses. Even today, thirteen years into our marriage, Ned and I are masters at this. We’re tired. We’re distracted. Everything else always feels more urgent than our marriage.
This is where planning comes in. Just as you wouldn’t wing it on the job, you don’t want to improvise your way through your relationship. “So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get…” the Apostle Paul advises us. “Don’t live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants” (Ephesians 5:16-17, MSG). I wish it weren’t true, but maintaining a healthy marriage between two busy people requires a certain level of formality.
Every marriage-family therapist I know recommends that couples make agreements with one another—clear commitments of how you will love, respect, and communicate, written out in black and white. It’s also essential to establish work-free blocks of time and physical spaces. You can also share your calendars to coordinate your schedules. Set shared family goals. Regularly check in with one another on how those goals are progressing.
Even when we’re caught up in our careers, it’s helpful to remember that marriage is a God-given gift, a powerful vehicle for our transformation. Through marriage we learn service, sacrifice, and interdependence. We practice unconditional love, forgiveness, and perseverance.
When Ned and I love each other well, we become far better versions of ourselves. And in God’s abundant, beautiful grace, when I know my spouse is in my corner, I have that much more courage to follow God’s professional calling in my life.
Dorcas Cheng-Tozun
Dorcas Cheng-Tozun is an award-winning writer, an Inc.com columnist, and the author of Start, Love, Repeat: How to Stay in Love with Your Entrepreneur in a Crazy Start-up World. She currently lives in Nairobi, Kenya, with her entrepreneur husband and two adorable hapa sons. Connect with her online on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.
