The X Factor in finding an Accountability Partner

by Bianca Olthoff (as told to Bronwyn Lea)

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On the Sunday we launched our brand new church, every seat was filled and every heart overflowed. As church plant launches go, it was the success story we’d dreamed of and prayed for: so many there, and so many making commitments to Jesus. But in the weeks that followed, the numbers dropped. Many who’d come those first weeks were well-wishers already plugged into other churches. Others had just come for the opening day fiesta. We’d celebrated with God at the opening, but the later weeks felt painfully and shamefully like a crushing failure. Had God failed? Had I?

Accountability vs Criticism

As a pastor and public figure, I wasn’t sure where I could find a safe space to process all the yucky feelings and thoughts, or even how to go about doing it. Admitting these feelings felt like I’d be painting a target on my back. Sometimes it seems the longer you’re a Christian, the more people are likely to criticize you (often in public!), but less likely to hold you accountable in private. Criticism holds up our faults to shame us. Accountability provides space for us to confess our faults to heal and grow us. Even ministers need those kinds of accountability relationships, but they can be hard to find when you feel like you need to be strong and faith-filled for everyone around you.

Accountability means making a choice

God sent me a lifeboat in the form of a text, but I still had to choose whether to take it. A former coworker and role model in ministry happened to reach out to ask how I was doing. She is someone whose encouragement I’ve cherished over the years, and I was desperately tempted to tell her just part of the story and put a silver lining on it, so I could hear her say approvingly “you’re doing great!” I could so easily have dressed up my disappointment in Christianese and just “blessed God”. She would never have know about my failure, and she would offer encouragement just as she always did.

But I realized in that moment I had no-one else to process with, and it was up to me to be accountable. It was up to me to be honest in that situation. For some, maybe when we hear the word “accountability” we think of confession or sharing in a small group; but for me accountability meant choosing honesty. I needed to let this respected older Christian in and show her the mess. I shared my grievances against God and God’s people, and my deep grief at how things were not going as I’d hoped they would. She listened, and she responded with grace.

From that week on, she’s sent me a text every monday just to ask how church went on the weekend, and how I am after it, too. We didn’t become besties, we didn’t set up a weekly meeting to debrief all our drama… but she made a choice to keep asking, and I’ve made a choice to keep telling the truth, and it’s made the world of difference.

The Secret Sauce of Accountability

Accountability starts with vulnerable honesty, and as such it requires trust. We trust that the person we share with is a safe person who knows where we’re coming from. The yucky things we’re sharing reflect a hard patch we’re going through, but doesn’t reflect the whole truth about who we are: just because I’ve had a bad Sunday doesn’t mean I hate God’s people and want to quit ministry! A safe person can hear all my strong feelings and then help REMIND me that I’m more than my now, however awful that might be. Accountability kindles hope in us: it reminds us there’s hope beyond our confession, and there’s grace beyond the darkness and shame that feel so confusing in the moment.

A safe person doesn’t weaponize our disclosures and use them against us. Rather, they disarm us: hearing our sins and griefs, and reminding us of hope. “If we are faithful to confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” says 1 John 1:9. The best accountability relationships start with honesty about where we’re at, as we trust someone to tell us the gospel again and again in response. God is not shocked or surprised by the darkest things I think and feel, and he stands ready and willing to redeem it all in His grand story of hope.

Bianca Olthoff

is a writer, teacher, and the co-pastor of the Father’s House OC in Orange County, California. Her upcoming book, How To Have Your Life Not Suck releases in August and is available for pre-order today!

Bronwyn Lea

Bronwyn Lea is the editorial curator for Propel Sophia.