Three Words We Need to Learn for Emotional Health
by Debra Fileta
Is it hard for you to ask for help? I asked that question in my Instagram stories, and was struck by the consistency in the answers I received. Most people answered with a resounding, “Yes, it’s really hard to ask for help.” When we dug a little deeper and asked why it was so hard, here’s what people said:
• “I’m afraid to trust other people. I’m afraid of being disappointed and rejected if they find out who I really am.”
• “I’m afraid of being judged. It hurts my ego so much. I feel like I should figure it out on my own, and it’s hard to admit I can’t do it.”
• “I don’t want to be a burden. I’m afraid to inconvenience other people because I feel like I’m not worth being helped.”
‘I Need Help’: The Scariest Ask
While so many insightful answers came up regarding why we don’t ask for help, I noticed a clear theme that emerged in the answers. Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being exposed, fear of disappointment, fear of trusting others, fear of being judged, fear of vulnerability, fear of being a burden. It’s amazing how much fear we have underneath the surface, motivating us to do what we do (or even what we choose not to do, in this case). Not only that, but because asking for help elicits such internal fears, it activates the same regions of our brain as physical pain. We can literally say that it “pains” some people to ask for help.
Because of all these underlying fears we’re fighting deep down inside, asking for help becomes an act of faith. We must recognize the fears so we can silence them and move forward in faith. God tells us to ask. He tells us to ask for help, and to ask for what we need. And He reminds us that those who ask, receive. Just as much faith goes into asking as into believing we will receive. And maybe, just maybe, choosing not to ask is choosing to live in fear.
I don’t think I’ve ever accomplished anything of value without asking for help both from God and from others. I’ve learned not to be afraid to admit that I can’t do it all on my own—because I’ve tried and failed numerous times in my life. The fear of asking limits us not only from accomplishment and success but from growth, from deeper intimacy with others, from trust, from vulnerability, and even from healing.
God, our Helper
God clearly saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He created others to fill that void (Genesis 2:18). It’s true that many times, we’ve been hurt along the way—betrayed, abandoned, and let down—but that doesn’t mean we should allow those past hurts to hold us back from creating new experiences. We need to learn to recognize our needs and desires and our shortcomings and ask for help with them. Help from God and help from others.
As we’ve seen, one of the reasons we fail to ask for help is that we’re afraid the request will be rejected. We’re afraid the person we’re asking will be too busy, annoyed by our request, unwilling to help, or unavailable. Social psychologists call this a “failure of perspective-taking,” because we’re more focused on the reasons they might say no than our own need. No one wants to be a bother, and we’re afraid the person we’re approaching will see our request as an imposition. But there’s another perspective to consider. Most people want to say “yes” when given an opportunity to help. It’s rewarding for them and offers them the chance to feel connected. Not only that, but studies show that when we ask, people will often give us better quality help than we even expected. Don’t underestimate how eager people are to provide support.
Whether you’re just entering a season of needing additional help and support or you’ve been there for quite a while, here’s the good news:
It’s not too late. It’s never too late. The promise still stands. Ask, and it will be given to you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened. But here’s the thing: it takes choosing faith over fear. Life is not a one-player game, so be sure to ask for help along the way.
Excerpted with permission from Reset by Debra Fileta published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon, 97408. Copyright 2023, Debra Fileta. www.harvesthousepublishers.com
DEBRA FILETA
Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Reset: Powerful Habits to Own Your Thoughts, Understand Your Feelings, and Change Your Life, True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, Love in Every Season, as well as Are You Really OK? She's also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships. Connect with her on Facebook or Instagram @DebraFileta.
