What Caring Means (and What It Doesn’t)

by Rev. Jackie Stoneman

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I was a classic rescuer when I began my ministry. Actually, I think I always was, believing God wanted me to rescue people from their pain and make everyone feel better. Wasn’t that the point of being a Christian?  

I even took a song (from Kathy Troccoli), one that always moved me, to justify my approach:

May I be His love for you; May I lift your eyes toward heaven.
May I come to you and lead you to His light; May I cry His tears for you.
May I be the place that you can run to; Where you’ll hear His voice . . .
May I be His love.

I thought these lyrics summed up good care, which is the heart of discipling others to follow Jesus. If we don’t cry his tears for them, who will?

 
It’s not about me

Eventually—and thankfully!—God helped me realise this approach was actually about me. I was creating dependencies, trying to become someone else’s saviour. I was the focus of each interaction, so they always needed me, not Jesus.  I needed people to have problems so that I could care for them and they’d see me as wonderful and caring.

This was a shocking realization. To think that I could do more harm than good for God’s kingdom, to think my motivation—which on the surface seemed godly—was really self-centred, turned into a wake up call. Suddenly, helping others seemed too hard! But God’s Spirit challenged me: if I gave up, I was copping out. Instead, he graciously taught me some important principles about the power of caring for others as they learn to follow Jesus:

1. People are God’s, not mine.

God is the one who knows each person intimately. His Spirit works to bring them to Christ and to maturity (Ephesians 4:11-14). He gives us the privilege of being involved, but it is always His work. This is actually a huge relief. God might give me a part but I’m not responsible for someone’s growth. God will bring people into our lives, but our job is to love and serve them, trusting our Lord will work in them.

2. God’s Spirit is powerful.

The Apostle Paul’s great prayer for the Ephesian Christians reflects this: “16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Ephesians 3:16-19

Paul prays for Christians to have the Spirit’s power to comprehend God’s love. It’s not Paul’s responsibility to make them understand. Likewise, when I’m caring for others in difficult circumstances, I can listen to their pain without having to defend God because it’s God’s Spirit who leads them to His love. Yet Paul still prays within the context of God’s people. We don’t just leave people ‘alone’ and pray from a distance. Together we deepen our roots in God’s love so that when the storms come, we’re rooted in his care. This corporate love is what grows mature disciples, and sustains us even with deep scars or ongoing suffering.

3. Jesus will help.

The writer to the Hebrews pointed people to the anchor that secures us in our storms: “14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16

The same Jesus who first gathered disciples on earth is now reigning in heaven. He has conquered death. He has won forgiveness for our sin. He isn’t ruling from some distant place, but gives us constant access to His throne, to Himself. When a person comes to Jesus, she finds understanding and identification because He knows what it is to be human. He experienced suffering and temptation but never gave in or up. That’s why Jesus alone is the one to whom we point others. Only His love, grace and mercy meets our deepest needs.

I’ve learned now that if I was going to disciple others, these truths needed to be real for me, not just in my head or in Bible verses I quoted. How did that happen? I experienced great care myself. Friends listened well and allowed me to be honest, but did not let me see them as my saviour. They pointed me to Jesus.

Today when I listen to or cry with others in their pain, I have the freedom to know it’s not about me. I’m learning to see the individual as one Jesus loves and cares for. Yes, he’s given me the privilege of walking beside them on part of their journey, but He is the one who travels the whole way. Knowing that is the first step for any disciple.

Jackie Stoneman

Rev. Jackie Stoneman is Director of Studies at Mary Andrews College, the biblical training school of Anglican Deaconess Ministries in Sydney, Australia.