What now, God? Wisdom for the Suddenly Single
Dr. Rhiannon Bell
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At 29, I found myself suddenly single, a season of life I thought I’d long bid farewell when I had stood at the altar and promised ‘until death do us part’ three years prior. Nowhere in my 10 year plan had I ever envisaged divorce, let alone navigating my way through the daunting dating jungle again. Like many Christian women who have grown up in church, I imagined my 30s to be a time of life when I would be happily married, building a home, having babies, and living my white picket fence life. Instead I humbly entered my 30s divorced, single, and reluctantly learning to relinquish my desire for control, embracing vulnerability, and leaning on Jesus like never before.
As my heart slowly healed, I started to dream up a new plan for my life. Truth be told, it lacked severely in creativity: God would redeem my story by bringing along my Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet and I would be remarried and having babies by 34. I’m now 35, and the fairy-tale hasn’t happened yet. Thankfully, God’s script has far exceeded the screenplay of my imagination and His path has been lavished with adventure and abundant evidence of his faithful lovingkindness. However despite the incredible journey He’s taken me on, when I surrender my strong independent woman shield, my vulnerable heart cannot deny the desire for marriage and family.
I know I’m not alone. Years of counselling singles and hours spent mulling over matters of the heart with friends has confirmed the pain of unfulfilled desires that Proverbs 13:12 alludes to, hope deferred can indeed make the heart sick, if we allow it to. In spite of the whisperings amongst church pews that if marriage is a blessing, singleness is less-blessed, the truth is God’s love and goodness transcends marital status. If we have the eyes to see this and courage to uncover it, singleness can be one of the most fruitful and rewarding gifts we may ever receive.
But as many Christian singles would testify, when it comes to dating, it seems the advice from well meaning others is flowing in in far greater abundance than the line up of eligible suitors. From “God will bring him along in His perfect timing”, to encouragement to “Put yourself out there”, it’s tricky to traverse the rugged terrain of Christian dating. Which advice should I listen to: “Don’t settle”, or “Don’t have such high expectations”? How do I step into my stilettos and gracefully walk the fine balance of learning to be content in all things as I pursue my purpose, while also vulnerably acknowledging my desire for marriage and positioning myself in the dating game, and all this while guarding my heart (Proverbs 4:23)? Should I be kissing dating goodbye, humbly satisfied with my maker as my husband, or risk kissing a few frogs in pursuit of finding Prince Charming?
Confessions of a single divorced 35 year old Christian Psychologist: I don’t know the formula for finding true love, nor do I believe there is one, but here are a few things that I have learned along the way…
1. The grass is greener where you water it. I know too well the temptation to covet the lives of those who appear to be living in marital bliss. While my married friends are deliberating over whether to have their third baby or buy their second investment property, I’m over here still trying to perfect my opening pickup line on Bumble! The comparison game steals joy. The truth is, my married mom friends are most likely green with envy over the freedom and spontaneity that my single life affords, not to mention the uninterrupted sleep and sleep-ins we singles get to enjoy! There are gifts and advantages to every season and situation, and I’m learning to seek life and joy in whatever season I’m in. I want to courageously live my best God-honoring life, whether single or married.
2. Guard your heart - but don’t hide it behind a defensive fortress of fear so hardened no man ever has a chance of capturing it! Love requires vulnerability, but vulnerability doesn’t mean we lay our hearts bare and abandon God’s truth and wisdom. When God’s love and truth are wrapped firmly around our hearts, they serve as the armor against any lies or misdeeds that can come our way in relationships.
3. Don’t delay your purpose while waiting for your prince. Use your single years to passionately pursue your purpose with such vigor that it will take a man running at the same pace to catch you!
4. Be careful of the meaning that you attach to your single status. Singleness is not a cloak of shame to be worn over our Sunday best, nor does it imply failure or unlovability. The way we perceive singleness affects both our feelings and actions during our single years, so let’s be sure to wear it well!
Jesus promises abundant life to all, not just those living in holy matrimony. I want to extend my hand to God in love and trust, courageously living my best God-honoring life, regardless of whether someone puts a ring on it.
Dr. Rhiannon Bell
Dr Rhiannon Bell is a Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Aftercare for A21, a global anti-human trafficking organization. Rhiannon is driven by a passion to bring healing and restoration to brokenness and see people live their best life. An Aussie girl now living in California, Rhiannon is a lover of good coffee, authenticity, and Vegemite on toast!
