Will the Real Emotion Please Stand Up?

by Mariela Rosario

If there’s one thing we can clearly see from the life and ministry of Jesus, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. The most visible thing is not necessarily the whole truth about a situation. The Pharisees seemed to do all the right things, but their religious masks hid the underlying tainted motives of their hearts. Jesus looked beyond appearances and said: “‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me (Matthew 15:8).” We can fool a lot of people, but not God.

When we mix the dynamics of humanity and spirituality, appearances can actually cloak our raw, honest emotions behind deeds that seem honorable and even holy. The most important question we can ask ourselves is this: what is hiding beneath the surface? You might be surprised to discover the hidden culprit behind your emotions is shame.

Shame: The Emotion That Plays Hide ‘n’ Seek

Shame is more than just a fleeting feeling of embarrassment or regret; it is a profound sense of unworthiness and inadequacy that can shape our self-perception and interactions. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific actions or behaviors, shame cuts to the core of our identity, whispering lies of not being enough or deserving of love and acceptance.

Everyone struggles with shame to some degree. We can look back as early as the Garden of Eden and see that we haven’t always handled shame well. Our first parents hid themselves and their condition behind something that would never suffice – fig leaves. The modern day fig leaves we cling to can take on many shapes and sizes, but the trickiest of these are our emotional responses to shame. Many of us may be dealing with shame and not even realize it because it hides beneath more manageable and recognizable emotional responses such as anger, perfectionism, or defensiveness.

Think back to a situation when you responded instinctively with anger, defensiveness, or perfectionism. It may seem as if your response was a knee jerk reaction to the situation, but often stressful and painful events, conversations, and interactions trigger a deeper belief about our identity: that we're not enough and don't do enough. These identity lies can wind themselves tightly in our mental and emotional spaces until eventually they choke out the truth of who we truly are in Christ. Without getting to the root of our emotions, shame thrives in denial, secrecy, and silence.

Naming What Lies Beneath

Learning to face shame out in the open begins with asking ourselves honest questions to discover underlying beliefs about our own identity and worth. This path of growth and healing is not to win more arguments or perform better, but to let God's truth about our security in His love and unconditional acceptance of us inform our identities.

In our journey of self-discovery and emotional healing, it is crucial to understand how shame has silently influenced our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. As we expose the emotional responses that hide shame most often in our lives, we allow our real emotions to stand up and make room for God’s truths to speak to us about our identity so that we can deal with the root of shame.

Here are some of the emotional responses that most often hide our shame:

• Anger: When shame is cloaked in anger, we are often hostile or aggressive to protect our inward vulnerability. Anger can show up as a defense mechanism to provide us with a false sense of strength or control that helps to deflect the underlying feelings of shame.
When you’re feeling angry, go deeper and ask the harder questions:

Am I angry at who did this to me or am I angry that I allowed them to? Is my anger a result of what happened this time or what has been happening repeatedly because I haven’t addressed it? Do I believe I can change what is making me angry? Why or why not?

• Defensiveness: We get defensive when confronted with situations that trigger our shame. Defensiveness acts like a shield to deflect attention away from our own perceived or actual flaws or shortcomings allowing us to avoid the discomfort of addressing the real feelings of unworthiness and insecurity we’re battling.
When you’re feeling defensive, pause and reflect:

Am I attacking because I feel attacked or because I’m trying to avoid an attack? Is my defensiveness aligned with the person I want to be? Has my defensiveness caused me to lose the ability to see the positive in anything in my life?

• Perfectionism: The relentless pursuit of perfection can be a façade for unacknowledged shame. Striving for unattainable standards of flawlessness can mask our fears of being a failure to ourselves and others. We mistakenly believe that if we’re always on point, no one will ever point the finger at us.
When you’re striving for perfectionism, take a deeper look and ask:

Why am I so afraid of showing people my failures? Why do I believe my failures are my identity? Why is my goal to be perfect?

Shame has robbed our voice, our identity, and our emotional capacity for far too long. It is possible to learn, evolve, and correct unhealthy behaviors that are rooted in shame, but it begins with honest conversations, honest reflections, and honest changes. God is ready to heal if you’re ready to boldly declare once and for all: Will the real emotion please stand up?

MARIELA ROSARIO

Mariela Rosario is a writer, coach, and spoken word artist. In 2015 Mariela had a radical encounter with God, and since then she has dedicated her life to helping others be the best version of themselves and walk in their God-given purpose. She has a bachelor's degree in Christian ministries and founded She Speaks Fire (shespeaksfire.com) in 2018. Mariela and her family live in San Diego, California. Her latest book, She Speaks Fire, released February 2024.